Nigerian technology scene get ready to be shaken up

Indigenous app Tech ready to take over Nigerian tech scene;
A new ‘kid’ (Firm) on the scene is threatening to sweep through the app/tech market in Nigerian and by extension Africa with their brand new product which as soon as is released will virtually dominate the Nigerian app scene and spread beyond its borders like a plague.
Astrum-Tech, an it solutions company came unto the world map late 2013 with ‘astrum stores’, the first indigenous third party application store in Nigeria.
A store dedicated to its mission of showcasing the ingenuity of the Nigerian app developers and also creating a convenient interface that supports payment methods available in the country.
There has been a sharp increase in the acquisition of smart phones in the country and part of the basic features that makes them indispensable is their ability to applications of various types and functions.
The founders of Astrum stores made a groundbreaking innovation by creating a web payment system with employs the use of a debit card, rather than the conventional credit card that isn’t readily available in the country.
The one year old firm, founded by two young Nigerians, oye-lawrence akinwale, a computer science graduate of babcock university and his partner balogun adebowale has already made history by being the first app store to come up wit such revolutionary payment options.
It’s been noted that the company, though in its infancy has caught the attention of international investors who are interested in tapping into the Nigerian market.
While the pair who started the business has had more than their share of startup challenges, they remain determined to achieve the vision of maneuvering this potentially huge firm into international terrain and in the process, achieve their aims of making the world at large recognize the potential in Nigerian developer and also contribute their quota to the Nigerian economy.
Astrum-tech however will be rolling out services which are targeted at the vast number of users of mobile phones. Even though the full capabilities of this firm remain in shadowy crevices, you can bet your house on the fact that Astrum-tech stores will be a force to be reckoned with in the near future

Manchester United: Much Ado About Nothing.

Much has been made about the inability of the club, Manchester United to attract marquee signings this summer. This however is a load of tosh. Manchester United fans, who have rarely found themselves in this position, of perceived weakness before, are clamouring for marquee signings to alleviate their worries. They see the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson as an omen, or if you please, a death knell to the club’s aspirations of winning trophies, this unfortunately is the fear of the unknown. I for one was devastated at the retirement of such a key figure in our history, but change is needed and permanent or we stagnate as a club.
Now, looking at the Manchester United team, this is a team capable of beating any side in Europe, including Real Madrid. Yes, I’m not mad, hear me out.
1.) We have the best damn goalkeeper in the country, and very soon the world if he keeps improving at this rate.
At left-back Patrice Evra remains as solid as ever even if there are lapses defensively once in a while. Let’s not forget that he is 32 and has not had an extended summer rest for more than 3 seasons now. He is quality and if he can be rested for some games against weaker opposition then we are sorted.

2.) At center-back we have Vidic who showed us against Chelsea he is still the same Serbian beast we have all come to love and respect. Even against Liverpool he was a rock in defence rarely giving their attackers a sniff. Rio Ferdinand is my only concern as he is progressively getting older but with Johnny Evans and Phil Jones looking impatiently over his shoulder, no problemo.

3.) Rafael needs no introduction, if he stays fit then we have the best right back in England on our team sheet.

4.) Now to the much maligned midfield, I’m truly excited at the options there. If Carrick stays fit then he, Fellaini and Kagawa can form a midfield trio to rival that of Barcelona. Fellaini with his immense workrate and physicality will scare the living daylights out of opposition players and break attacks and in the same breath break legs (without getting caught of course.). Michael Carrick can be our Paul Scholes. Sitting deep beside Fellaini and with the defensive workload on him reduced, he can proceed to dictate games with his metronomic passing. However good Carrick was last season, with Fellaini doing the brute work beside/behind him, then he can easily be twice as good as he was last season. Kagawa, will be the third of the trio, moving the ball up the pitch with his nifty footwork, body feints and dribbling skills. He is extremely capable of playing the role of our own Iniesta.

5.) Moving on to the most exciting part, our formidable attack, Rooney who showed glimpses of his old hunger against a deermined Chelsea side will play in a three pronged attack with Van Persie and Nani. Think back to the Nani who scored two magnificent goals against Bayern Munich. The Nani who obliterated Arsenal at Old Trafford with some of the best counter attacking football I have ever seen, now think of that Nani alongside a furious, driven, goal-hungry Wayne Rooney and Van Persie’s left foot. Are you as excited as I am yet? Not forgetting the fact that young wizard Januzaj waits eagerly in the wings for an opportunity to impress. Welbeck, Lingard and Zaha also chomping at the bit, working hard in training taking lessons from the veterans (Giggs, Ferdinand) on what it takes to succeed at the highest level.
Now, you are going to remind me of the match at Anfield, yes, yes. Liverpool are our rivals for crying out loud. We have rarely beaten them on their turf and have been spanked by these impostors often enough on our own turf under Sir Alex Ferguson. I imagine if Moyes had lost 4:1 to Liverpool at Old Trafford that we would have screamed blue murder, yet this happened under the greatest manager that ever lived, and guess what? We survived, we thrived and we triumphed. We are like the Phoenix, we rise from the ashes and are reborn. We will never be beaten. We are Manchester United Football Club.
* Get behind your manager, show him the same support as you have shown me* if you respect the legend that Sir Alex Ferguson is, you will respect hiss words and let them be your motto, now and forever.

We go after Boko Haram

Things were looking particularly bleak that Sunday afternoon as a gentle breeze rustled the grass around where the three of us sat. The sickly sweet smell of grass pervaded the air as I brooded, sat between Garfield and Junes. It was convocation day, and we were in Babcock University, from where Garfield and I, exactly one year before had celebrated our convocation. We had shared a tent, with our folks mingling and happy sounds drifting towards us from the nearby tents, as each tent had at least one graduating student. Today, however a year later, it was Junes’ turn and the three musketeers were back together for the first time in about a year. It was not a happy meeting though, don’t get me wrong, I was ecstatic my closest pal was finally getting out of the clutches of the self-serving Babcock University, but I had been out of the university for more than a year and had no job. Garfield too was jobless. So, while Junes was delighted he was finally a graduate, his joy was tinged with the fear of the unknown as we lived in a country that was in a state of chaos. Don’t be fooled by the smiles and laughter around you, my country Nigeria was in a terrible state.
So, we sat there, in front of the University’s recreational park looking gloomily around. I was broke. I was relying on my parents for money, this I found revolting because I loved freedom, and freedom to me meant earning money to fend for my basic needs. Monsieur Garfield on the other hand was less concerned about where the dough came from, as long as it was in plentiful supply and constant, he was content. Junes wanted to live the good life, drive a Range Rover and watch movies at the cinema every other day. Simple as that.
I snapped out of my reverie as a middle-aged man walked past the table the three of us were huddled around, with a stunning, chocolate-skinned beauty clutching his right arm. His left arm, however was grasping an ipad and he kept muttering to himself, while he tapped the screen of the ipad with the fingers of the arm the lady was clutching. With his attention fully focused on the ipad, he trod on Junes’ foot, stumbled, and tore his eyes momentarily from the device- revealing a face that would make most babies scream for their mama – sneered at Junes without a word and carried on as if nothing had happened. Junes was beyond livid; the man with the ugly face however just kept tapping on the screen of his ipad, maybe he was messaging his friends on uglyface.com.
I put a hand on Junes’ shoulder and pulled him back to his seat from where he had just risen in anger.
“Cool down Junes, it’s your day. Don’t let Mr ugly face make you angry.” I said in a soothing voice, Junes shrugged and sat down.
“He just stepped on me without a backward glance, would that have happened if I was ringed with bodyguards?”
“Hahahaha, Garfield chuckled, you have started again, you and money”.
Changing tack at the speed of light, Garfield continued. “Abeg Junes, what’s up with the food, I’m hungry”
My stomach growled in response to Garfield, promptly reminding me of the fact that it was almost 4pm and I had not eaten a morsel of food that day. I had forgotten about food, as gloom settled as seductively and comfortably as Eva Longoria on us. The three of us as one turned out gazes towards the cooler of food just beside Junes, my stomach growled even more audibly this time.
Rising, and picking up one handle of the cooler, Junes beckoned to me. “Tim help me with it, let’s move to the hall.” Nodding my assent, I hastened to pick up the cooler and we started the short walk to our hall of residence.

Thirty minutes later, during which the silence in our room was broken only by sounds of chewing and bones being broken, we had demolished the food Junes’ folks had brought for him. Now that my hunger was sated, I heaved a sigh of relief, and my brain that was previously on vacation, ground back into action.
“Money, money, money”, I mused, how could a brother like me lay hands on such an elusive commodity? I had grandiose plans to be honest. I wanted to retire when I was 30 and travel the world but at 23, I had just 500 naira to my name. That was of course the amount of money contained collectively in my three bank accounts.
I sighed in frustration, and at that moment Junes spoke up, “Ha! The US government just announced a reward of $7million for the capture of Boko Haram leader, Abubakar Sekau.”
“What?” I sat up abruptly, my mind instantly doing the calculations involved. “But… but, that is …………..”
“1.1 billion Naira” Garfield spoke up beating me to it and looking so chill in the process. I got instantly pissed. I just couldn’t imagine how, just how in the name of everything good and honest will you speak of 1.1billion Naira without a look of awe on your face?
Honestly, that dude, Garfield was as sharp as Einstein whenever a situation involved money. Ask him anything that was not remotely money related and I swear he was dumber than Scooby-doo.
I sighed again and leaned back against the wall but I swear the lunch I just ate must have had magic mushrooms in it, because as Junes continued flipping through the newspaper he was reading and Garfield took to trolling on the internet with his I-phone, a fantastic idea started to grow in my brain.

The next day, we split camp and headed for our respective homes. As Junes was still involved in the NYSC scheme, he headed to his place of primary assignment in Ibadan, the largest city in West Africa. Garfield took a bus to Abeokuta, where he would resume his irresponsible ways of skirt-chasing and alcohol quaffing.
As for me I headed home to my city, Lagos. All the way home, the idea that had started developing in my head, the previous day at the mention of the fantastic sum of 1.1 billion naira was fully developed. The same night, while the snores of Garfield punctuated the silence, I had pulled up any and all information available on the terrorist organization that was self-styled Boko Haram via google. I was determined to win the reward money, and whether they knew it or not, Garfield and Junes were gonna help.
The trio of us had had our adventures while we were in school together, and I knew each of us pretty well. I knew Garfield was the linguist. He could speak French, English, Yoruba Igbo and Hausa fluently. Junes on the other hand was a walking encyclopedia. His knowledge of history and current affairs would come in handy. Lastly, me, well I hate to play my own piano, but I was a master planner. Plus I had other gifts that I didn’t know of……. yet (can’t think of anything else). Anyways I came up with this bright idea didn’t I? So I was team leader by default.
In case you’re wondering what I was talking about, that’s if my hint about collecting the 1.1billion naira reward money didn’t provide enough clue what my plan was. I was gonna storm the Boko Haram headquarters in Borno State with my two friends in tow and kidnap the leader. The bus, that was heading to Lagos with me and a dozen other passengers in it disappeared and in my mind’s eye I saw myself in the media spotlight, cameras flashing all around, draped in glory, the FBI handing me a cheque of $7million dollars and CNN’s breaking news banner flashing, ” Daring hero, Timmy Ajayi and his two friends break the terrorist ring in Nigeria in a brave and selfless……..”
A revolting smell brought me back to earth without remorse. Someone had just released a fart that, by the way it stank must have had the hydrogen bomb styled after it. I held my nose in disgust and peered accusingly at the boy that was sitting next to me. He smiled knowingly in my direction, confirming my suspicion that he and he alone was responsible for that life-threatening fart. The rest of the trip was uneventful, thankfully, but I breathed through my handkerchief just in case any other person decided to become Tony Stank.
An hour later, I was home. Home was a bungalow in the suburbs of Ikeja in the city of Lagos. There was no one at home so I let myself in with my copy of the keys to the gate and front door. There was a note waiting for me on the sofa in the lobby, just before the sitting room. I recognized my mom’s writing from a distance. I sighed and rolled my eyes, mama had a blackberry phone, just like mine. It would have cost her about 5 seconds to “ping” me and tell me whatever she wanted to say, instead she writes a note, the old-fashioned way, typical.
I picked up the note, it said:
Timmy, I’m out of town for a few days for a work-related meeting. Take care of the house; there is food in the fridge…………….”
As soon as I got to the part where she said that she was out for a few days, I immediately lost interest in the rest of the note. YES! I thought in elation, I had the house to myself for the next one week at least, I could do whatever.
I was literally up in the clouds in anticipation of the thrills that awaited me. The entire house plus the spare car all to my lonesome. “Sweet, now where do I go first?” I thought to myself. A multitude of places flashed through my mind. Ozone? Galleria? Salewa’s? or Vanessa’s?
“Ah, but won’t you Sir, need some money for all these impressive plans of yours?” A small voice in my brain asked in an amused tone. It suddenly occurred to me that I would indeed need cash. I felt robbed. But, things could still be salvaged if the car had enough fuel to get me around. At least that way I could visit one or two or three of the Salewas and Vanessas I had acquired over the years. I raced to the garage and checked the fuel guage. Shoot, the indicator was sitting on empty. I felt like the balloon of happiness inside of me had been pricked by a pin for a second time.
So for the first couple of days, I brooded, slept on the sofa, ate frozen and hastily microwaved meals, didn’t take any baths, and waited for the return of my mom.
After the fuel in the generating set was exhausted by the third night, I was in a state of complete misery that I couldn’t even bring myself to get off the couch in the sitting room to switch on the telly when the power was restored. Finally about an hour later I got up to switch on the telly, at least I could see if there was anything interesting on there, like a football match. The note written to me, by my ma fell from the sofa, where I had tossed it, and for the first time since coming home I noticed a part of the note that in my haste and excitement I didn’t bother reading.
……….. also on the fridge is fifty thousand naira for your upkeep. Enjoy
PS: You will gimme an account of how you spent the money when I get back.
– Mum.
I had brain freeze instantly. All the places I could have gone, all the things I could have done, crap. Just because I was too impatient to finish reading the bloody note. Well, better late than never I thought. In a flash I was in the shower, I had even forgotten to remove my wristwatch before the jet of cold water hit me. Never mind, it was water resistant, I washed away the grime of three days as quickly as I could and toweled furiously. Exactly one minute and 10 seconds after I read that illuminating part of the note, I was fully dressed and ready to rumble. I drove aimlessly for the next hour, fully enjoying the ride with Three Days Grace’s One X album blaring from the speakers. I stopped at a roadside cafe and bought ice-cream. By 10 pm however I was tired, so I headed back home.
Once on my bed that night, I noted that the novelty of driving around, visiting “friends” and watching movies was rapidly wearing out. I needed a new distraction. I decided to step up my plan, hatched in the depths of my depression, back at Babcock University up a notch. It was time to get serious; suddenly it was as if I had taken a gulp of Felix Felicis. That magic potion that makes the drinker lucky. No, not Felix Felicis, but the pill in the movie “Limitless”, that makes a person access full potential of the brain. Suddenly I knew what to do. With that happy thought I drifted off to sleep.
I was up the next morning by 6am and went straight to the shower, fixed myself a piece of toast and watched the Bourne Triology while eating. This was not for entertainment purposes mind you, it was strictly work related. After seeing the movies I drove straight to Walmart where I bought nine sets of black pants, waterproof vests, boots, warm socks and gloves.
The chick at the register gave me a bewildered look. “Is it the end of the world already, sir?”
“Hahaha”, I chuckled, I’m just eccentric ma’am. I winked. She gave me a flirtatious smile. My loins tightened in response, “Ah no ma, I don’t mix business with pleasure” I thought. I got her phone number before exiting though, I had a good feeling.
I felt a little like James Bond as I walked out of the store, I drove straight to Ibadan, part of the piano notes I forgot to play is that I drive pretty well. If that can be considered a skill, I could make cars do things stunt drivers would be proud of.
I had called ahead, so Junes was waiting for me just in front of his apartment. He got in the car and I drove off. We stopped at a fast food and I bought Junes a truckload of doughnuts, his one weakness I exploit without remorse. I didn’t dilly-dally but went straight to the point. “So, erm Junes, I want us that is Garfield, you and I to go after Abubakar Sekau. There is a $7Million reward money waiting to be made.”
Junes spluttered and choked on the doughnut he was inhaling. He turned blue in the face and started to choke. I was up in a flash and performed the Heimlich maneuver. His breathing eased and he stopped choking, though his eyes were still streaming with tears. “Are you mental?” He managed to get out. “Wait have you been taking some magic mushrooms?” He peered at me suspiciously, as if he could determine the state of my sanity through the color of my eyeballs.
Impatiently, I brushed aside his hand that he had put on my forehead to check my temperature. “I’m fine and I’m not high. Look, we don’t need to be superheroes or whatever.” Junes smiled wryly at me and said “That’s precisely what it sounds like to me. He reached for another doughnut, but I grabbed the plate before his greedy paws could reach it. “No more doughnuts for you until you hear me out. They are messing with your brain” Junes gave me a pained look “You’re the devil!”
“Yeah, yeah and you’re my bitch.” I shot back. “Look we are just gonna take a road trip that’s all and try digging around. Whatever we find out we will turn over to the authorities. That’s all.”
I could see Junes dithering and the money was hard to resist for him just as it was a magnetic pull for me. I also knew that once he was committed to a cause he could be an overwhelming force, sweeping away all doubts and opposition. I badly needed him to agree with my half-baked plan as he would reassure me in my times of doubt.
“Alright, but how do we get to Bornu? What’s the mode of transport? Where do we sleep?” Junes asked
I smiled. We were good. I returned the plate of doughnuts to striking distance of his jaws and he duly obliged.
An hour later, a few of his things packed we were half way to Abeokuta.
The third musketeer was about to join the party. It wasn’t as hard as it was to convince Garfield as it had been with Junes. For one reason he was inebriated when we got to his crib. A half finished bottle of smirnoff Vodka sat on a stool just in front of his king-sized bed. I screwed on the cap of the vodka and threw a few of his things into an overnight bag while Junes roused Garfield up from his slumber and bullied him into the bathroom where he splashed -from Garfield’s howl of rage and the sound – what must have been 20 gallons of water.
He emerged from the bathroom, spluttering and in a towering rage; Junes had neglected to remove his shirt before his baptism. “Why una go just enter my room pour water untop my head?” He raged at no one in particular, shaking water from his head as he attempted to focus.
About ten minutes later, however he was in the back seat of my Corolla grinning from ear to ear as I drove towards Lagos. That my friends, was exactly the reason I wanted Junes in on the mission before anyone else. His forceful and dynamic personality was infectious. Though I must say convincing a half-drunk Garfield was not that impressive.
The team was complete. The three musketeers were ready to take on the mighty Boko Haram. Most importantly though, share the $7Million, yes boss!

Watch this space…………………..

Le Struggle: How to Kiss A Girl

It was dark, around 8:30pm. I stood shivering in front of Female Premium hall. I had had a veerry long day, marathon lectures from 7 am all the way down to 4pm and church service from 6:45pm to 7:30pm. I was completely worn out. Plus I had not had supper. LOOOL. To be candid, that alone accounted for my shitty mood. (Not that I was gonna admit it)
Why then was I standing in the cold? The answer was simple, I was waiting for Jenny 😀 . Truth was that for all my smoothness and tales of world domination, I was yet to kiss her, a situation I was determined to remedy that night. I kept going through all the books on the subject that I had memorised.
Step 1: You walk hand in hand with the subject down a deserted moon-lit road.
Step 2: You pretend to notice something on her face that you as the perfect gentleman just had to remove. 😉
Step 3: Your hand lingers on her face, and you look into her eyes.
Step 4: You lean in and go for the kill.

I had these four steps in my head, when Jenny appeared in the doorway of the hostel. Lord, she looked stunning. Her long hair fluttering in the breeze gave her an angelic look that her gossamer silk gown enforced.
She floated over to me and hugged me. I stuck my hands in my pockets and strolled right beside her.
We started making mundane conversation about the weather and then about how our respective days went. I was only half listening to her as my mind worked furiously on how to approach the “kiss problem” It was not like that was going to be my first kiss or whatever, duh -___- . I just felt everything ten times magnified when I was dealing with Jenny. Therefore naturally, I was very nervous.
By luck or design, we stopped by an oak tree. This seemed a good enough spot for a kiss I reasoned.
By now my heart was thudding so loudly, I was surprised Jenny couldn’t hear it. Steeling my nerves, I turned towards her and mumbled something about a spot of dirt on her chin. Then I leaned towards her, but I was so nervous that I became clumsy. I promptly stepped on her foot. “Ow, my leg” she gasped. I was horrified and I hastened to rub her foot, muttering an apology. Meanwhile she was about to do the same exact thing, predictably we clashed heads.
Fortunately (for her) I came out worse. I had bumped my lip against the back of her head and had a cut lip for my efforts.
By now, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. My woes were compounded when Jenny looked at me with mischief in her eyes and asked ” what exactly were you trying to do? Kiss me?”. My face burning, I muttered something about trying to clean a spot on her face. I could tell she didn’t believe me and that she was trying hard not to laugh.
I walked her back to her hostel as quickly as I could, thoroughly embarrassed. She gave me a quick peck and ducked inside her hostel.
I sighed, and started the long walk back to my hall of residence. Just then a torchlight beam shone directly in my face, blinding me momentarily. When I regained my eyesight, I looked at the figure astride a motorbike in front of me. It was Mr Chucks, a Roger (security guard) who unfortunately I had a history with.
It was a couple of semesters ago, some gun-toting men made their way into our school and proceeded to rob a couple of banks in school. I happened to be in my room that day, looking out of my window. I saw a group of students fleeing the scene and right at the head of the running students was Mr Chucks, dusting guys half his size. As he ran, he was simultaeneously pulling off his uniform and tossing it into the nearest bush.
It was so funny, I pulled out my phone and recorded it and caused a great deal of laughter whenever I showed it to my mates.
Unfortunately for me, the video went viral and spread like wildfire. Mr Chucks somehow managed to find out that it was I that made the video. He had been like a fox with its tail on fire ever since.
Now he, with an evil glint in his eyes slowly got off his bike and approached me with a you-are-in-so-much-trouble look on his face.
I kept wondering what I had done till I checked my watch. It was already a few minutes past ten. I had broken the curfew. Now that was not a serious offence, but Mr Chucks was about to get his pound of flesh.
“Gimme your phone”, he growled. (Ehn? Give wetin? See this oga Ade). I shot back a cheeky reply, “Why? Did my phone break the curfew?
I must have been channelling Garfield that night as he is usually the dumb one. (Hope he never sees this. Lol). I turned and took to my heels.
How I thought I could outrun Mr Chucks on a motor-bike I will never know, but off I went. There I was feeling like Usain Bolt, legs pumping, arms flailing as I tore up the track at supersonic speed towards the safety of my room. I had a habit of jogging in the mornings just before lectures, but I had not jogged for about a month. That was about to be my undoing because after running for what felt like an hour ( just 10 seconds in reality) I started to tire.
I paused for breath, gasping, suddenly Mr Chucks appeared. The crafty old codger had switched off his headlights and had been silently trailing me on his bike. I was busted.
However, I had a trick up my sleeve, I suddenly looked over his shoulder in alarm and screamed ” thief, thief”.
For all his bluff, Mr Chucks was a big coward and a bully. He panicked, obviously thinking some robbers had made their way into the school again, and he leapt off his bike into the nearest bush. I chuckled, removed his keys from the ignition of his fallen bike and tossed them into the gutter. It would take him sometime to find them.
I huffed and puffed my way to the room. As soon as I saw the door of my room, I relaxed and heaved a sigh of relief. Just then Jenny called me. She and her friends had witnessed the whole drama from the window of her room. While she thought it cute, (I got in trouble cos of her), her friends found it hilarious. I was so tired, I barely made out what she was saying to me. Her parting words however woke me up, ” I promise you your kiss tomorrow night, hun”. 😀
I hung up feeling like the cat that got the cream. ( I assure you, the kiss was completely worth the stress. Though I didn’t know just yet, as I didn’t find out till the next day).
I strode with renewed energy into my room, alas, a strange sight met my eyes.
Apparently, Junes and Garfield got tired of waiting for me to return and had started eating- WITHOUT me. I was mad! Then I saw a third figure sitting with them, his mouth full of food with an innocent look on his face. Billy!
I completely lost it, “Guy……………….!!!!!!” I exploded.

Billy and the Three Musketeers

It took two whole days for the ill-effects of the “greens” to wear off completely, by then Junes was well and truly in the friend’s zone( Junes zone is more apt) with his newest catch, Sonia.(He is hopeless, isn’t he?)
The next monday, the three of us had 7am classes. I woke up first, stretched out the kinks in my muscles, I had not left the room for a couple of days and my muscles were a bit sore. I glanced across the room, there was Garfield snoring away, one leg dangling over the edge of his bunk. Junes was on the lower bunk of my bed under several bedclothes. Then I peered bleary-eyed at the time. It was 6:30am. Shit! I jumped out of bed and slapped the two slackers awake.
Thirty minutes later, Junes and I were in class. Garfield was in a different department.
By 10am our lectures were over for the day. I decided to go see my girlfriend Jenny, while Junes went off to go hang out somewhere else.
I met Jenny waiting for me already in the guest cafeteria. She was a lovely girl I met a few weeks ago. She was petite without giving the impression of being a barbie doll. Jenny had gorgeous eyes, smoky eyes that seemed to peer deep into my soul. Very witty, intelligent and funny, she loved country songs and Dolly Parton especially. She also had this habit of always patting her very long hair in place, shirt neatly tucked in. She was fastidious.
We spent the whole day in the library, pretending to read. At 6pm, my phone vibrated, it was Junes: “Hey, get some hotdogs on your way back. We are having noodles.”
Jenny and I said our goodbyes and I nipped into the school store to get the hot-dogs. Junes was gonna get noodles, while Garfield would buy tuna. We were pretty organised when it came to food matters, like clockwork. (We disagreed on everything else)
After that evening’s church service, we returned to the room to fix supper.
We had stopped eating in the school cafeteria in our 200L. Pride, some people would call it, we didn’t care. I particularly hated queuing up like an inmate to get food to eat, no siree.
In no time the meal was ready, and we settled down to eat. Now let me digress a little bit. This was how it worked. We ate our supper(only) together, in a bowl. You were allowed to eat at your own pace. This meant that Junes – who I swear had a refrigerator in his mouth, generally got the lion share of the meal. He was the unofficial champion. I was next and as you would expect Garfield was dead last. Loool. He was always last. Also we used matching spoons so that no one had undue advantage with spoon size.(This nearly resulted in a fight when Junes introduced a jumbo-sized spoon. We retired the spoon). Haha, enough digressing, back to the main story.
With our spoons poised over the food, we heard a knock, followed by: “Junes, its me Billy”. Garfield and I looked accusingly at Junes. He smiled apologetically and went to open the door.
“You have way too many friends” I grumbled under my breath.
In walked Billy, a guy I had seen around but didn’t talk to. By now the looks on the faces of Garfield and I were distinctly unfriendly and unwelcoming.
Billy shook us round and sat down, looking expectantly at the food. I was hoping when he saw that we were otherwise occupied- the fate of a bowl of delicious food rested on our frail shoulders- he would excuse himself to come back after we had finished settling pressing matters of state.
No siree, Billy sat down there, looking with eyes as huge as plates.
“Wow, you guys dey enjoy oo” he began.
“The food go sweet sha”
At this stage Junes had no choice but to ask him to join us, since Garfield and I were steadfastly ignoring him.
“Will you join us?” Junes chirped, extending the Jumbo-sized spoon we had retired. I cursed inwardly as Billy enthusiastically grabbed the spoon and dug in without further ado. O boy, Billy wielded that spoon with prodigious skill.
His first spoonful must have dwarfed the titanic, yes it was that large. Seeing that, Garfield simply gave up hope of getting to eat and just climbed his bunk and went to bed. Meanwhile, I sat there staring with morbid fascination as Billy decapitated the mound of food. The dude had the worst table manners I had ever seen, he kept growling like a pig, snorting and sniffing, bits of the food dropping from his spoon back into the bowl.
In the space of two short (painful) minutes, he was done. The food completely gone. ” Chairmen, I hail oo.” He said with a chuckle as he made his way to the door. He didn’t even offer to help clean up.
After he left, I rummaged through my belongings and found an unopened jar of peanut butter. That would prove to be my supper that night. 😦
There was a grave silence after Billy’s departure as nobody was really in the mood to talk, all of a sudden, Garfield hissed ” Billy-goat, see as he dey chop like crocodile”. Junes and I collapsed in fits of laughter……………..

Knights of Ilishan

Now that I think about it, school life was definitely the best.
Out of school now for almost two years and apart from one year of nail-biting, mind-boggling and excruciatingly frustrating boredom(NYSC), under the guise of serving the fatherland (or is it motherland?), I have achieved absolute nothing, nada, zilch.
Four glorious years in the university, where I had the world at my socked feet. All I needed for an illusion of grandeur was to lovingly iron my favourite silk shirt, black pants and clean my Salvatore Ferragammo footwear and poof! I was magically transformed from a frog (a very handsome one, I might add) to a prince. A knight in shining armour. Whatever. Take your pick. More importantly, woe betide that babe that didn’t look at me with approval whenever I was in my coat of many colours (the shirt was red with white stripes and the footwear was gold and black), she was deemed snotty and a snob immediately. I saved my getup for important days, or whenever I was in a good mood.
Ha! I then got my allowance jacked up by 200%, the chicks were in trouble. My favourite getup was never in danger of being upstaged; instead it was upgraded with accessories. As a “homie”, you were not complete without em shades. So I went and got myself a pair of sunglasses. All in all I ended up looking like a peacock showing off for the females of his species.
Now my tale won’t be complete without honourable mentions to my “crew”.
My closest pal in school was Junes. Ok, if I was Robin, here was the Batman. A power dresser and history buff. He could list all the presidents of America in chronological order. His room back in school always looked like a hurricane just swept through, shirts on the window sill, silk ties hanging from the overhead fan, shoes on the bed…………………………you get the gist.
Despite the chaos in his state of affairs, Junes “Batman” was always immaculately dressed. Dude loved to go for waistcoats and tight shirts looking like a modern day James Bond.
LOL! I remember this one time he wore a tie to his polo top. Crazy! Next day though, I saw no less than six guys do the same thing. By the end of the semester, it was the fad on campus.
One thing he was though, he was no James Bond. He had absolutely no game and the friend’s zone should be renamed “June’s zone”
I’d like to think that the two of us left behind some good memories and that we had a positive influence on the young lads who looked up to us as role models in school. (Yeah right) LOOOL.
The third and final member of the “crew” was Garfield. Don’t ask me how he got his name. He had a host of nicknames but Garfield was my favourite. This dude was a piece of work. He only wore Charles Tyrwhitt shirts (we were not sure they were original) with massive collars. The really annoying part of his clothes was the pants. My God! Garfield had a terrifying collection of pants. Other than that, he was alright.
After a semester of hanging out, we decided to become roomies in our final semester. As a result we were almost expelled on numerous occasions. Garfield always came up with the craziest of ideas.
One evening during the week of spiritual emphasis (a long and boring week, during which we go to church services every morning and evening), he somehow obtained some “greens”. We had heard that greens made you a hit with the chicks, and we decided to help Junes out of his misery (yes! It was that bad). In order for him not to feel alone, we all dosed up on the “greens”.
We had to leave for the evening service about 30 minutes later and it was en route that I felt the “kick”. I suddenly had the urge to sit down on the ground and lounge. Instead of being worried Junes burst into laughter when I confided in him my desire to sit. Somehow Garfield convinced me not to. I managed to haul my ass into the stadium ( venue for the evening service) and sit my ass in a chair.
Junes on the other hand had a smirk on his face; suddenly he was this different person. He got up from his seat beside me and walked up to a random chick and held her around the waist. While the girl was still staring in shock, he whispered something in her ear and I watched the amazement in her face change first to confusion. Then she suddenly started beaming. Finally, Junes had grown some balls. I watched him pull out his phone and he got her number there and then. Later, he told us that what he whispered in her ear was that she was the hottest babe he had ever laid his eyes on. Well, I still don’t believe him. Even “greens” couldn’t have made him that smooth.
Well as for me, I was busy. Riding brightly coloured horses, jousting with rival knights and even performed a rock song, on stage, with Nickelback. After about 15 minutes Garfield was too “high to stay. So he got up and left. Said he was going to bed.
After the evening’s service came the moment I had been dreading- the long walk back to the safety of our beds. To keep from staggering all over the road and thereby attracting the attention of overzealous Rogers and hall administrators, Junes and I held hands. To steady one another. LOOOOOOL! Shit was difficult.
We somehow made it to the room, where we met Garfield already snoring away the effects of the blasted “greens”.
The next morning, Garfield (Lord, he was stupid) woke Junes and I up with alarm on his face.
“Shey una sure say them no trace una come room?”
The ever sarcastic Junes looked at him with disdain “Yes now, I’m sure they waited outside our door overnight, just waiting for us to wake up.
I laughed, shook my head and went back to sleep.