Le Struggle: How to Kiss A Girl

It was dark, around 8:30pm. I stood shivering in front of Female Premium hall. I had had a veerry long day, marathon lectures from 7 am all the way down to 4pm and church service from 6:45pm to 7:30pm. I was completely worn out. Plus I had not had supper. LOOOL. To be candid, that alone accounted for my shitty mood. (Not that I was gonna admit it)
Why then was I standing in the cold? The answer was simple, I was waiting for Jenny 😀 . Truth was that for all my smoothness and tales of world domination, I was yet to kiss her, a situation I was determined to remedy that night. I kept going through all the books on the subject that I had memorised.
Step 1: You walk hand in hand with the subject down a deserted moon-lit road.
Step 2: You pretend to notice something on her face that you as the perfect gentleman just had to remove. 😉
Step 3: Your hand lingers on her face, and you look into her eyes.
Step 4: You lean in and go for the kill.

I had these four steps in my head, when Jenny appeared in the doorway of the hostel. Lord, she looked stunning. Her long hair fluttering in the breeze gave her an angelic look that her gossamer silk gown enforced.
She floated over to me and hugged me. I stuck my hands in my pockets and strolled right beside her.
We started making mundane conversation about the weather and then about how our respective days went. I was only half listening to her as my mind worked furiously on how to approach the “kiss problem” It was not like that was going to be my first kiss or whatever, duh -___- . I just felt everything ten times magnified when I was dealing with Jenny. Therefore naturally, I was very nervous.
By luck or design, we stopped by an oak tree. This seemed a good enough spot for a kiss I reasoned.
By now my heart was thudding so loudly, I was surprised Jenny couldn’t hear it. Steeling my nerves, I turned towards her and mumbled something about a spot of dirt on her chin. Then I leaned towards her, but I was so nervous that I became clumsy. I promptly stepped on her foot. “Ow, my leg” she gasped. I was horrified and I hastened to rub her foot, muttering an apology. Meanwhile she was about to do the same exact thing, predictably we clashed heads.
Fortunately (for her) I came out worse. I had bumped my lip against the back of her head and had a cut lip for my efforts.
By now, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. My woes were compounded when Jenny looked at me with mischief in her eyes and asked ” what exactly were you trying to do? Kiss me?”. My face burning, I muttered something about trying to clean a spot on her face. I could tell she didn’t believe me and that she was trying hard not to laugh.
I walked her back to her hostel as quickly as I could, thoroughly embarrassed. She gave me a quick peck and ducked inside her hostel.
I sighed, and started the long walk back to my hall of residence. Just then a torchlight beam shone directly in my face, blinding me momentarily. When I regained my eyesight, I looked at the figure astride a motorbike in front of me. It was Mr Chucks, a Roger (security guard) who unfortunately I had a history with.
It was a couple of semesters ago, some gun-toting men made their way into our school and proceeded to rob a couple of banks in school. I happened to be in my room that day, looking out of my window. I saw a group of students fleeing the scene and right at the head of the running students was Mr Chucks, dusting guys half his size. As he ran, he was simultaeneously pulling off his uniform and tossing it into the nearest bush.
It was so funny, I pulled out my phone and recorded it and caused a great deal of laughter whenever I showed it to my mates.
Unfortunately for me, the video went viral and spread like wildfire. Mr Chucks somehow managed to find out that it was I that made the video. He had been like a fox with its tail on fire ever since.
Now he, with an evil glint in his eyes slowly got off his bike and approached me with a you-are-in-so-much-trouble look on his face.
I kept wondering what I had done till I checked my watch. It was already a few minutes past ten. I had broken the curfew. Now that was not a serious offence, but Mr Chucks was about to get his pound of flesh.
“Gimme your phone”, he growled. (Ehn? Give wetin? See this oga Ade). I shot back a cheeky reply, “Why? Did my phone break the curfew?
I must have been channelling Garfield that night as he is usually the dumb one. (Hope he never sees this. Lol). I turned and took to my heels.
How I thought I could outrun Mr Chucks on a motor-bike I will never know, but off I went. There I was feeling like Usain Bolt, legs pumping, arms flailing as I tore up the track at supersonic speed towards the safety of my room. I had a habit of jogging in the mornings just before lectures, but I had not jogged for about a month. That was about to be my undoing because after running for what felt like an hour ( just 10 seconds in reality) I started to tire.
I paused for breath, gasping, suddenly Mr Chucks appeared. The crafty old codger had switched off his headlights and had been silently trailing me on his bike. I was busted.
However, I had a trick up my sleeve, I suddenly looked over his shoulder in alarm and screamed ” thief, thief”.
For all his bluff, Mr Chucks was a big coward and a bully. He panicked, obviously thinking some robbers had made their way into the school again, and he leapt off his bike into the nearest bush. I chuckled, removed his keys from the ignition of his fallen bike and tossed them into the gutter. It would take him sometime to find them.
I huffed and puffed my way to the room. As soon as I saw the door of my room, I relaxed and heaved a sigh of relief. Just then Jenny called me. She and her friends had witnessed the whole drama from the window of her room. While she thought it cute, (I got in trouble cos of her), her friends found it hilarious. I was so tired, I barely made out what she was saying to me. Her parting words however woke me up, ” I promise you your kiss tomorrow night, hun”. 😀
I hung up feeling like the cat that got the cream. ( I assure you, the kiss was completely worth the stress. Though I didn’t know just yet, as I didn’t find out till the next day).
I strode with renewed energy into my room, alas, a strange sight met my eyes.
Apparently, Junes and Garfield got tired of waiting for me to return and had started eating- WITHOUT me. I was mad! Then I saw a third figure sitting with them, his mouth full of food with an innocent look on his face. Billy!
I completely lost it, “Guy……………….!!!!!!” I exploded.


4 thoughts on “Le Struggle: How to Kiss A Girl

  1. I wish sey Mr chucks katch u wen u dey kiss jenny……na Seven years suspension u for get…….hehehehehe

    @Cross……go with the flow joor……loool

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